State of the Me
So! OK. I have been somewhat depressed, off and on, since going off of Zoloft. It's been sort of sloggy, thick, blechy, tough going. Nothing has been too bad, but NOTHING has been too great either, which is sort of the problem. I'm really, really tired of trying SO HARD to do one or any of the following things on any given day:
1) Get out of bed, because I have a job, and I want to keep my life moving in a general forward direction, and also I want to keep my apartment and don't particularly want to have to move in with my mother (as much as I enjoy her company), so I really need to get to said job, which necessitates climbing into my car dressed and somewhat bathed, which is mutually exclusive with staying in bed, which is what I would really LIKE to do, because job = blech.
2) Go for a run, because I LIKE RUNNING, and because I'll feel better about myself and my life afterwards, and even if I don't, I really really don't want to gain anymore weight, which brings me to item #3. . .
3) Stop eating everything in THE WORLD in an attempt to make myself feel better, because it will not work, and I no longer fit into the majority of my clothes, and while Lane Bryant clothes are really, really cute, they are also somewhat expensive, and I can't afford to buy all of them ALL AT ONCE, so I should probably chill out on the weight gain by way of chilling out on the EATING ALL THE TIME.
4) Do anything productive at work. Anything at all. Just so that, when my lovely boss who wants me to go far in this company asks, "what have you been up to?" I can have an answer that WON'T break her heart by requiring her to FIRE MY ASS.
In order to get to a place where I'll be better at doing the items on the list above, I'm trying to accomplish the following:
1) Stop feeling so ashamed of being kind of messed up. A lot of people are kind of messed up. No one else seems to blame me or judge me for it, so I should probably join the club and get over it.
2) Stop feeling so ashamed about eating and gaining weight. I have had my reasons for eating more than my body wants to eat for my whole life - on some level, it worked to make me feel protected and safe and sane. So naturally, if I remove the limits I've imposed on myself in the past, about things like calories, and what kinds of foods are OK to eat for breakfast, I'm going to blow up at hyper-speed like a life raft.
But I removed those limits for a reason, because I can't stand the thought of being afraid of food for the rest of my life, so I'm just going to follow this path to the end and find out whether it leaves me fat or thin. Personally, I'm rooting for thin. But I'm travelling through the Town of Fat right now, and that's just where I am, and being ashamed of it is a burden that is too heavy to carry along with me.
3) Chill the frick out. I just got back from Peurto Rico and I'm going to Senegal for two weeks and after that I'm going to Mexico, and I don't want to look back on this time and remember being all angsty. There are a lot of things to enjoy as they come, even if I don't quite have it in me to get excited about them beforehand. And in between and after the trips there are dinners with friends and the fact that the days are getting longer and awesome mix CDs and running playlists to create. So I'm not going to force myself to be happy, but I'm going to try to stop second guessing myself and criticizing myself and, let's be honest, basically hating on myself EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY, and just let the seconds go by and bring with them whatever piece of my life they've got to offer.
Yeah. . . that might be a little ambitious. Which is what brings me to that stupid, annoying thing that I think I might have to do in order to get on accomplishing THAT list of things.
1) Go back to therapy. I think it's probably time. As much as I hate the thought of starting the whole stupid process and filling in a stranger on all of my issues and being all, "well, my parents got divorced when I was little, so. . . yawn. . . excuse me, but if you look up 'divorce' in your Intro to Counseling Psychology textbook it can fill you in, I'm just going to take a little nap, wake me up when you get to 'abandonment issues' and 'poor sense of self worth'. . ." I think I need someone else to kind of climb into my head, take a look, throw some shit around, bash down some walls, and just generally do some renovation and upkeep.
Sigh.
1) Get out of bed, because I have a job, and I want to keep my life moving in a general forward direction, and also I want to keep my apartment and don't particularly want to have to move in with my mother (as much as I enjoy her company), so I really need to get to said job, which necessitates climbing into my car dressed and somewhat bathed, which is mutually exclusive with staying in bed, which is what I would really LIKE to do, because job = blech.
2) Go for a run, because I LIKE RUNNING, and because I'll feel better about myself and my life afterwards, and even if I don't, I really really don't want to gain anymore weight, which brings me to item #3. . .
3) Stop eating everything in THE WORLD in an attempt to make myself feel better, because it will not work, and I no longer fit into the majority of my clothes, and while Lane Bryant clothes are really, really cute, they are also somewhat expensive, and I can't afford to buy all of them ALL AT ONCE, so I should probably chill out on the weight gain by way of chilling out on the EATING ALL THE TIME.
4) Do anything productive at work. Anything at all. Just so that, when my lovely boss who wants me to go far in this company asks, "what have you been up to?" I can have an answer that WON'T break her heart by requiring her to FIRE MY ASS.
In order to get to a place where I'll be better at doing the items on the list above, I'm trying to accomplish the following:
1) Stop feeling so ashamed of being kind of messed up. A lot of people are kind of messed up. No one else seems to blame me or judge me for it, so I should probably join the club and get over it.
2) Stop feeling so ashamed about eating and gaining weight. I have had my reasons for eating more than my body wants to eat for my whole life - on some level, it worked to make me feel protected and safe and sane. So naturally, if I remove the limits I've imposed on myself in the past, about things like calories, and what kinds of foods are OK to eat for breakfast, I'm going to blow up at hyper-speed like a life raft.
But I removed those limits for a reason, because I can't stand the thought of being afraid of food for the rest of my life, so I'm just going to follow this path to the end and find out whether it leaves me fat or thin. Personally, I'm rooting for thin. But I'm travelling through the Town of Fat right now, and that's just where I am, and being ashamed of it is a burden that is too heavy to carry along with me.
3) Chill the frick out. I just got back from Peurto Rico and I'm going to Senegal for two weeks and after that I'm going to Mexico, and I don't want to look back on this time and remember being all angsty. There are a lot of things to enjoy as they come, even if I don't quite have it in me to get excited about them beforehand. And in between and after the trips there are dinners with friends and the fact that the days are getting longer and awesome mix CDs and running playlists to create. So I'm not going to force myself to be happy, but I'm going to try to stop second guessing myself and criticizing myself and, let's be honest, basically hating on myself EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY, and just let the seconds go by and bring with them whatever piece of my life they've got to offer.
Yeah. . . that might be a little ambitious. Which is what brings me to that stupid, annoying thing that I think I might have to do in order to get on accomplishing THAT list of things.
1) Go back to therapy. I think it's probably time. As much as I hate the thought of starting the whole stupid process and filling in a stranger on all of my issues and being all, "well, my parents got divorced when I was little, so. . . yawn. . . excuse me, but if you look up 'divorce' in your Intro to Counseling Psychology textbook it can fill you in, I'm just going to take a little nap, wake me up when you get to 'abandonment issues' and 'poor sense of self worth'. . ." I think I need someone else to kind of climb into my head, take a look, throw some shit around, bash down some walls, and just generally do some renovation and upkeep.
Sigh.
posted by be-elle | 7:34 AM
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